The Freedom to Grieve
A secularist view
Theist: “As Christians, we don’t grieve like those who do not know Jesus and have no hope.”
Secularist: “There is no right way to grieve. You do not have to be calm, or forgiving, or composed. You do not have to make sense of the loss to be allowed to mourn it. Anger, sorrow, exhaustion, even moments of laughter—all of these can coexist in grief. Allow yourself to feel without judgment.”
As a follow up to my previous blog, I thought we’d explore what secularists have to say about the topic of grieving and what their qualifications are for doing so. The first thing to note is that none of the five secularist writers I found had degrees in Theology. Most had graduate level degrees in Psychology, Sociology or some other related field. All of them, without exception had years of experience working and specializing in issues related to health and wellness. Their collective advice for people who are grieving is very different from the advice given by theists. Let’s see just how different.
Before you read what secularists have to say about grieving it might be helpful if you read my previous blog about how christians are instructed to behave while grieving. Once again, this is not a how-to blog about grieving. If you are grieving there are many resources online. I have included some links in the endnotes.
(My added comments will be in parentheses.)
Secularists:
“There is no handbook for grieving. No five-step solution. But there is a path—and even if it feels invisible now, you are on it.”
(Several of the blogs written by theists were entitled 4 Things Christians Should Do When Tragedies Occur or 5 Ways to Respond When Tragedy Strikes or 6 Ways Christians Should Respond to Tragedy.)
“You are not required to forgive what feels unforgivable. You are not required to soften what feels sharp. But you are worthy of support, of gentleness, and of spaces where your grief can be witnessed, with love and kindness and without judgment.”
“Some people with good intentions, may try to guide the grieving person back to ‘normal.’ They may suggest silver linings, spiritual meanings, or try to minimize the pain. These responses, while well-meant, can be deeply invalidating. When grief is born of tragedy, there is no quick resolution.”
The grief you’re feeling is not only normal—it is human.”
(The thing about this is that christians have been taught to distrust their humanity. They would probably reject this bit of secularists’ advice, because it’s not okay for them to experience human emotions like the rest of us. They are taught that they must “conduct themselves as christians, get their comfort from Jesus and be obedient and faithful, no matter what is happening in the world”.)
“Grief after a tragic death is not something to move on from—it is something we learn to carry, often painfully, until it changes shape. You are not failing because you are still angry. You are not broken because joy feels far away. You are grieving. And grieving is work.”
“Human beings (not only christians) are born to live and love. It’s human nature to want and expect life and love to continue. We’re just not made to easily welcome death into our daily lives. True, death is also normal and natural. But still, love is the foundational experience of our lives.” (Despite what some theists believe this is true even for nonbelievers. *)
“Whatever your loss, it’s personal to you, so don’t feel ashamed about how you feel, or believe that it’s somehow only appropriate to grieve for certain things. If the person, animal, relationship, or situation was significant to you, it’s normal to grieve the loss you’re experiencing.”
“Grief does not follow a tidy path. There is no universal order to the “stages.” The experience is more like waves, or tides, or even a spinning compass with no clear direction.”
“When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.”
“Don’t let others tell you how to feel. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.”
Afternotes:
*One theist actually wrote this in his advice for grieving. “Tragedy, when the cause is human, reminds us that we are fooling ourselves if we think that people are basically good. We should be thankful that sinners may still care about their friends and family. But we must realize that others are so hardened by sin as to be without natural affection”.
Wow!! That quote is wrong on so many levels. First, for him to label anyone who is not a part of his pious circle as “sinners” is incredibly arrogant and ignorant! Second, this guy needs to get outside of his christian bubble more and meet some real people. And third, it’s not the Secularists that are the dangerous ones; it’s actually those extremely religious fanatics who pose the biggest threat and cause the most harm. Here are several examples: Lori Vallow Daybell – Ruby Franke & Jodi Hildebrandt – David Koresh. These are very evil people who have done horrible things, all in the name of religion.
Links to websites about the grieving process.
Navigating Anger and Complex Emotions After a Tragic Death
From Where I Stand
June 28, 2026
Dale Crum